This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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