They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
