We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
