Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
