Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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