Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
