i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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