So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
