So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
