my vag is so smooth its legendary
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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