Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
