how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
