I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dick very happy bro
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
