Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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