Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
