I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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