She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
