and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
