Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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