Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize