After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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