Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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