I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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