Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
