You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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