its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
