just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
