If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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