I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
