Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
