Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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