I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
