i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize