addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Randomize
