im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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