the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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