So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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