I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
