WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
