am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
