dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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