turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
