I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
