There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
