We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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