I wish my penis had an off switch
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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