So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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