im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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