You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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