I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
