How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
