I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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