Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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