She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
