Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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