I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
