Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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