I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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