Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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