Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
