On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
