Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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