GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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