im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We had sex on a dog bed..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
