Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
