somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
