She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
