Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize