my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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